Jallen Dragonhide: December 2007

I tell this story so often, I thought I would archive it... TRUE STORY

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I mountain bike avidly (well... not at all as avidly as I used to...), and three years ago, I hit a rock going too slow to simply bounce over, so I of course, flipped over headfirst over the bars, and landed on my ass on a fist sized rock.. It smarted, it HURT for about 5 minutes, and then the pain went away.. no biggie. so I went on the rocky trail for another 5 miles.. then my chain freakin BROKE on me. I didn't have the right tools to repair it, so I had to turn around and start walking back. Boy, it took a long time. I was OK tho (I thought).

Got home, all's well. just a little sore. Merche, my wife, our kid and I decided to go out to eat, so we did, then stopped by the store on the way back home. While walking down the aisles.. I suddenly felt my right ass cheek starting growing.. and growing.. and growing.. This was bout SIX hours after the accident!

It really freaked me out... I could see my ass literally growing by the second at least three times the normal size on the right side, all an angry red and purple.. and it was hard like a rock! So needless to say, we went to the emergency room.

I of course cannot sit, right? So, the incoming patient desk (where they check your insurance, etc) told me to have a seat. "I can't... my butt..." *blank stare.. then a light goes on in her eyes* "Oh.. OH.. OH!!!!!"

"No no, not like that!! I had a mountain biking accident and landed on my butt!!"

"Yeah, right.. whatever.. not my business what you do"

GODDAMN!!!!!! (I am sure you have the imagination to fill in what was being unsaid) The worst part is she used to work at my son's daycare!

So anyway. Here I am standing there... not in obvious pain.. (it wasnt THAT bad.. hard to explain what it felt like.. bizarre!) So of course I got bumped down WAY down on their priority list.

I must have stood around for a couple hours... then FINALLY this extremely effeminate guy tells me it's time for X-Ray... He must been so in the closet or something cause he wouldn't meet my eyes.. (He's THE PERV that incoming was telling me about!!!) and he was so anxious and so.. "correct" with every tiny action around me.. So, he got me ready to xray and told me to lay flat on my back.. Well, I can't! He kept coming back in the room after ducking out to tell me again and again, "No no, you got to lay FLAT!" My right ass cheek is more than 3x the size it should be! I finally told him, "Dude, just you need to see it to understand".. Nobody had yet taken a peek up to this point.. Must be scared of what they'll find.. LOL

He takes a single quick peek like he's scared something is gonna jump out and bite him.. and his eyes go wide as saucer dishes and goes ashen white.. "Oh My..... Let's get you xrayed PRONTO and get you to the doctor RIGHT AWAY!"

So we did. And then afterward, he warmed up knowing that I'm not such a perv after all, and ran out in front of me yelling for someone to see me immediately! hah

In the examination room.. Here I am standing up leaning against the wall. waiting. The doctor walks in and is surprised to see me standing up leaning against the wall James Dean-like. "Uhhh.. what's the problem, then...?" I simply turn around and moon him.

*clattering of clipboard on the floor* "Oh.... My.... That... Is... One... Impressive.. Hematoma!" he immediately ran out of the room. A few minutes later, he returns with a tape measurer, and has me lay on the examination table face down and he measures my ass. "Oh my.. XX centimeter by XX centimers!!!!!" (I forgot exactly what it was... heh) and runs out again, presumably to call Guinness Book of World Records.

A few minutes later, he comes back, with a long line of every fucking staff member of the entire emergency department to take a look and marvel at the size of my ass. Even Jose the janitor got to see my ass.

Anyway to wrap out the so called "quick story".. There was nothing they could do besides give me a BIG sympathetic bottle of Vicodin and send me home with a followup appointment with my regular doctor. During the follow up appointment, by the way, a week later, my ass was only 2x the size and the purple/black/green stuff had spread down my right leg making the whole back leg all sorts of colors all the way to my heel. The exact same thing happened. The entire doctors' office took turns peeking at my ass. And then the same thing a THIRD time at the MRI department to check for blood clotting.. GEEZ.. My ass is internationally famous!

Now, 3 years later.. I still have a lump on my right ass cheek a few inches away from my tailbone. My wife still giggles and says it looks like my ass is wearing a yarmulke.

You should see the looks I get from people, when I say, "Hmmm... it's gonna rain tomorrow- my ass hurts." and I'm 90% correct.

The stinker of the whole story? It hurt more quitting Vicodin than the accident. That's nasty stuff.